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nude soccer moms pics The portion of the craft project requiring my assistance involved gluing glitter to a holiday ornament, and yeah. You saw those two words in there, didn’t you. GLUE and GLITTER. The two most evil crafting supplies in existence. Is there anything more horrifying to hand to a three-year-old? They’d do less damage with a can of mace.

do teen curfews work And here’s where I go off on what will seem like a tangent but is in fact crucial to all this complaining you’re enduring: somehow Marlo up and potty trained herself a few months ago. Just decided one day that she didn’t like walking around with excrement in her pants. THERE. There’s one thing nice I can say about three-year-olds! They have enough brain cells to recognize the discomfort of sitting around in their own feces.

naked lady dress up The road to her decision was a little bumpy, but show me a road to diaper-independence that’s not. The major obstacle in her way was not an uncommon one. Kids that age have one painful bowel movement and decide that they’re never going to poop again leading to horrifying constipation. So horrifying, in fact, that many of us, NOT JUST THAT MONSTER HEATHER ARMSTRONG, have to administer enemas.

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brittany daniel sex scenes Butt medicine got her through the fear of bowel movements, and then suddenly she was potty trained. Thank god for the person who invented enemas if only because I no longer have to carry diapers and wipes in my purse. MORE ROOM FOR MY WEED.

britains got talent nude Jump to the craft project in her preschool class. She and a few of the other kids were sitting around a low table with me, all of them dressed in plastic aprons, all giddy with the idea of destroying the planet with glitter. Her teacher had prepared a tray with bottles of glue and bowls of glitter and was approaching the table with this tray when Marlo’s face contorted with panic. I looked back at the teacher, and before she took another step I put the whole thing together in my head: the tops of the glue bottles had been removed (probably because they get clogged so easily? I think I remember this from my childhood?) and in their place she had stuck a paintbrush. Little white glue bottles with the wooden handle of a paintbrush sticking out of them. Marlo’s vision did that crazy Good Fellas camera trick where the foreground gets closer as the background recedes because, you know, imminent death.

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