best sex site ever An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

huge boobs sex movies Three sets of ten

lesbian sex free pictures Jon and I have been members of a local gym since I was pregnant with Leta, and last week before I headed in to burn 40 minutes on the treadmill I asked one of the managers about personal training. Why? Because all I know how to do is cardio and a few biceps curls, and the result of all that work is my current figure. The one I’ve had since adolescence. The one that looks like a fancy, modern chair without back legs:

free porn no fees

senior women and sex Do you see the part right there where the back of the chair curves and makes the seat? That’s my butt. It is perfectly inline with the top of my body. Or, as the kids might say, BABY DO NOT GOT BACK.

xxx rated porn sites Interestingly, a lot of the weight I gained during my pregnancy with Marlo went straight to my butt, and here’s where I start to give you too much information. But that’s why you come here, right? You don’t come here to listen to me prattle on about health care reform or football or minestrone soup. No. You come here because I’m willing to tell you that while I did not get stretch marks on my stomach, I did grow A MAP OF ALL THE RIVERS IN SOUTH AMERICA on my butt. Because it went from not existing to suddenly I’ve got NASA calling concerned that certain satellites are veering toward Utah.

free lesbian porn videos Anyway, the manager pointed me in the direction of a few personal trainers, and I exchanged email with one whom I met yesterday to see how we’d match up. And after realizing we’d been living parallel lives (see: thinking in childhood that the world might spin off its axis if we did not fast and pray hard enough) she had me perform what she called a “fitness test.” And when I heard the word TEST a certain part of my brain exploded, seized control of all rational parts of my brain, and the first thought that went through my head was, “If I do not ace this test we will all die alone and homeless.”

black cock sex stories Pretty much the exact same thought I had every second of high school.

tifa final fantasy nude Now, I’m medicated, so I could see from the outside that this thought was ridiculous, but I could also see how awesome it would be if I came away from this being The Valedictorian of Fitness Tests.

coi phim sex free Oh, yes. This trainer would talk to the other trainers and say, wow, you should have seen this Armstrong woman. I had to make up a new grade because A++ just doesn’t describe how well she aced this test. And then I would give a speech at fitness graduation, and in the middle of it I’d flex my forearm, grunt and chest bump the podium.

sex webcams for free Except, I’ve worked out maybe twice since Marlo’s birth, and while I may be back to my pre-pregnancy weight (thank you, Grandpa Hamilton’s genes) I am not at all fit in any sense of the word. I might be able to bench press a wine bottle, but only if Jon is spotting me. And even then I have to take a nap from all the exhaustion.

black group sex movies So she had me do as many sit-ups as I could do in one minute, and since this was the first part of the test I had no problem. Well, no problem until about the 37-second mark when my abs started revolting and screaming MUTINY! MUTINY! Aim straight for her giant forehead!

teen pussy spread wide And then right away I had to do as many push-ups as I could in one minute. People, on a really good day I can do eight proper push-ups, maybe fifteen if I’m cheating and using my knees. And I haven’t even attempted a push-up since the fall of 2008 before I got pregnant with Marlo. So you will understand that it was no small feat that I did almost 50 (FIFTY!) push-ups cheating with my knees in only 60 seconds. And it will make sense that my arms immediately detached from my body and started hitting me in the face.

hip hop hoes porn Off to assisted pull-ups, then a session of balancing on one of those insane BOSU balls, and then some twisted half-on, half-off the ball maneuver with a weight in one hand magic trick, and I looked down and every muscle in my body was shaking. Like I was being electrocuted. A giant blonde noodle wriggling like a worm. Thank God for this haircut, because I’ve always wanted to look like a lemon-flavored Blow Pop having a seizure.

amy smart nude vids My instructions then were to keep a journal of my diet and a record of how I was feeling physically. She said that this kind of workout affects the body differently than one that concentrates mostly on weightlifting, and that I might start to feel soreness in several parts of my body. So I came home, opened the door, and then collapsed face-first onto the floor. I asked Jon to write on a piece of paper: ABLE TO INSPECT THE COTTON WEAVE IN THE CARPET.

free porn picture hunter The rest of the day looked like this:

proud family toon porn Soreness in shoulders.

jennifer love fake nude Wait, make that: soreness in thighs.

free bizzar porn videos Wait, I can’t identify where that soreness is OH, MY CHEST. IT BURNS.

big breast asian porn CAN’T BREATHE, HURTING. HURTING!

best lesbian web site WHINING!

free download film porno JON, I’M DYING.

naked body paint pictures NO, REALLY.

naked girls next door YOU’RE LAUGHING WHILE I DIE.

miss ca nude photo JON, WE DID ESTATE PLANNING, RIGHT?



karla spice porn video Did you know that in order to open any sort of bottle that you have to use the muscles right on the side of your armpit? I discovered this when I couldn’t open a bottle of Advil by myself. Because my armpit was paralyzed. I hope scientists are paying attention because I JUST DID ALL THEIR WORK FOR THEM.

nude teen girl videos Today’s lesson: A C- would have perfectly acceptable.

sex with a milf 99 Comments
  • pinkbrain

    free sex massage videos 2010/01/19 at 2:44 pm

    webcam chat room sex Wait until tomorrow, you’ll hurt even more in places you didn’t know you had.

  • s3rp3nts

    rihanna nude photo shoot 2010/01/19 at 2:47 pm

    shemale and lesbian sex It does get better. And your triceps (under your arms) can’t be that bad: You’ve been picking up babies!

  • MN Sukie

    noelia new sex tape 2010/01/19 at 2:57 pm

    girl sex dog video The first time I worked out with my trainer it was all I could do to lift my arm to put the key in the ignition. I remember sitting there willing my arm to work. I was never sore the day after working out but the first six hours after the work out sucked.

  • pinkbrain

    emily procter nude pics 2010/01/19 at 2:47 pm

    drunk girls and sex Squeeeee! First!

  • fidothefatcat

    family guy sex gifs 2010/01/19 at 2:58 pm

    free nude dance video Good genes got me back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I have NOT, however, returned to my pre-pregnancy shape. Thanks to your frightening tale, I may never return to that shape. I will have to learn to love my flat butt. Thanks a lot.

  • msmith

    kim kardashian sex rapidshare 2010/01/19 at 3:16 pm

    30 year old sex I also possess no butt whatsoever….and it disappeared even more after my son was born. The flesh that should have been located there migrated to my midsection (lovely…) and has stubbornly remained there. Even though you “ain’t got back”, be happy you still have the semblance of a waist!

  • stefanie_said

    naruto hinata sex pics 2010/01/19 at 3:07 pm

    jada pinkett smith nude ha! you sound exactly like me after my first day of water aerobics. i thought “i’m lazy but would like to get into something resembling a shape. i know, water aerobics!” because those classes are full of little old ladies, how hard can it be?

    sex with your brother i should mention that i am ridiculously competitive and tried to “win” at water aerobics. and i did. i did everything harder and faster and more than those little old ladies. and the next day i had to skip class because i literally could not lift my body into a standing position. my muscles said a resounding fuck yoooouuuuu.

  • tiny apple

    teenage sex in school 2010/01/19 at 3:08 pm

    nude pics of hoops i’m still not back to my pre-pregnancy weight and it’s been 4 years…but i blame hormones for that one. regardless, my hubs thought it would be sweet to get me a couple sessions with a personal trainer for valentines day last year. yes, VALENTINES DAY. let’s think about that for a second. anyway, did the same fitness test and it was HORRIBLE! i feel your pain. i just can’t believe after all those years of high school and college athletics that i used to do this VOLUNTARILLY!!

  • jinjit

    free best porno video 2010/01/19 at 3:10 pm

    sex and city dvds Yay! I am so excited for you! I am a personal trainer and have been reading your blog for a while now but this is my first comment because I really wanted to give you kudos. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • MJBUtah

    women sports stars nude 2010/01/19 at 3:12 pm

    hiv insertive oral sex LOL…you can’t tell some people it is a test. I was explaining to my optometrist the other day that when I was 10 years old, they told me I was going to have an “eye test” and I did so well on it I didn’t get glasses for two more years. Even though I couldn’t see much. I was a smart kid, and good at tests.

    student sex friends episode I’d like to get back to my post-pregnancy weight, which was pretty awesome. 15 years on, I can’t really call it pregnancy weight any more, can I?

  • Stellare

    naked chicks getting fucked 2010/01/19 at 3:15 pm

    download free porn mobile It hurts in a good way though. Just admit it! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • jen dalley

    no sex for me 2010/01/19 at 3:15 pm

    solo hairy pussy movies I’ve never been a fan of “working out” or doing anything physical, but having had a baby 10 weeks ago and now having a Popped Balloon for a stomach, I was ready ….
    Now I think I’ll just stick with my Wii Fit. I may need some nap time afterwards but I’ve never inspected carpet because of it!
    Laughed out loud a lot during this piece!

  • Athena

    medical exam porn video 2010/01/19 at 3:16 pm

    sex game for girl Oh yeah – been there! My trainer is 21 – which is 5 years younger than my son(!!) – and he shows no mercy. After several months I still find there are muscles that hurt that I did not know existed.

  • WebSavyMom

    lesbian teen ass licking 2010/01/19 at 3:18 pm

    zack and vanessa sex –>This is why I operate under the theory of AVOID INJURY; Don’t Exercise.

  • Becca

    sex scene in disclosure 2010/01/19 at 3:26 pm

    reality kings porn sites “Don’t let my mom take Leta to church.” That made me snort!

    rachel hayward sex scene I know how you feel. I started karate a few months ago and discovered muscle I had no idea even existed. and I am not kidding. My kid made it look so easy (he’s 4)

  • lonek8

    free hentai lesbian pics 2010/01/19 at 3:27 pm

    teen pussy get fucked I did in fact know all about the miracle of underarm muscles in terms of bottle opening, having in my own time done way to many cheater pushups in the interest of trying to make friends in a stroller bottcamp class. That class also taught me that it is impossible to socialize and make friends when you are dragging your lungs behind you while pushing 70lbs of kids in a 50lb stroller and trying (in vain) to keep up with ten tiny speed walkers posing as mommies.

  • jenny

    porn videos for couples 2010/01/19 at 3:29 pm

    avril lavigne nude sex Hahaha! Oh God, this makes me insanely scared of The Personal Trainer. (Or rather the personal training…)

    great sex tips girls Kudos to you!

  • MissCaron

    mary lynn rajskub sex 2010/01/19 at 3:29 pm

    download psp porn themes LMAO!!! Trainers always know the way to inflict pain and torture like they used to work in a Nazi camp or something. Not cool.

  • mrsalexhad

    sex videos blogspot com 2010/01/19 at 3:33 pm

    sex with a bedpost I love that pain! It’s like giving birth but for days on end! Wait til the evil trainer makes you do * gasp * LUNGES and SQUATS. Worst torture known to woman. Couldn’t squat to pee for days because of the intense pain. Fun.

  • The Three Ms

    true group sex stories 2010/01/19 at 3:33 pm

    first anal sex tips OMG Heather! This strikes me as especially funny since I’ve been walking around like some one punched me in the girly parts for the last two days from my own idiotic, totally self induced, post holiday crazy in the brain, haven’t worked out in 2 years but I think I’ll do 15 minutes of 70 lb thigh squeezes in the weight room on Sunday! OUCHHHHHH!

    hot free ebony porn Hang in there! I’m assuming you made it off the floor finally since you were able to type this Post. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    drew barrymore sex pics 2010/01/19 at 3:33 pm

    tonya cooley nude pictures I used to personal train and got all those “your the devil” kind of comments…but be honest, deep down, you really love it:-)

    what's your sex fantasy I can’t remember if you have a Wii, but if you do, I highly recommend the EA Active Sport game. It can be a pretty good workout alternative for those cold, winter days where you just can’t force yourself to leave the house!

  • Jessa

    nude women close up 2010/01/19 at 3:35 pm

    online adult sex video go for you! I just started work with a trainer a few weeks ago and I remember almost crying in the shower after the first session because it hurt so much to lift my arms up over my head to wash my hair. I would have bent over at the waist instead, but that hurt more. After 4 weeks of twice-weekly 5:30am wake-ups for training sessions, the pain is a welcome feeling. Stick with it and you’ll feel A++++

  • Milla

    sell your porn video 2010/01/19 at 3:38 pm

    brandie moses nude pics what’s a “push-up”? is that like those ice pops that you suck on? i’ve had a few of those, none of that other kind though.

  • GAgirl

    best free emo porn 2010/01/19 at 3:42 pm

    free bbw latina porn Thank you for making me laugh so hard, my Diet Coke came spewing out of my nose. I do a couple of weight classes at the gym and workout with a trainer 2 days a week and I love that soreness. I feel like it means I had a great workout. Typically it will hit you 2 days after so just wait. I have found when I drink a good quality protein shake it eliminates most of the soreness (and repairs/heals your muscles). Keep up the great work and thanks again for the great laugh.

  • lynnor

    watch teens have sex 2010/01/19 at 3:45 pm

    free naked celebrities video laughing so hard I’m crying. Because I’ve been there. And am there.

    watch another teen movie BTW: even in my fit/weightlifting days I couldn’t sculpt out a butt. If you find the secret to that, let me know.

  • angelaraew

    free trial sex chat 2010/01/19 at 3:49 pm

    pokemon misty porn pics My friend and I went to a martial arts class and ended up having our shoulders hurt like you wouldn’t believe yesterday. So, we decide on yoga. Why? Because it probably won’t hurt your shoulders. Have you heard of downward dog? Yeah. Painful.

  • Daisy-girl

    teen semi formal dresses 2010/01/19 at 3:50 pm

    free one piece sex Personal trainers are mean by nature. I think that is a criteria on the job description. Seeking sadistic personality type willing to torture unknowing clientelle into submission in order to achieve world domination. Powder Puffs need not apply.

  • Summerfred

    porno video bedava izle 2010/01/19 at 3:53 pm

    free emo porn videos I’m dating a personal trainer so I completely feel for you! One would think if you are boning the trainer, he might take it a little easier on you. Yeah, soooo not the case. I think trainers are born sadists… or is is masochists? Maybe both. We’ve developed a love/hate relationship. I hate him almost every second while we are working out, but I love him afterward. It works for us.

    young sister brother sex Best of luck to you! The trick is to just stay with it.

  • lemusgro

    school girl sex picture 2010/01/19 at 3:56 pm

    zotto tv korean porn Contents will settle!

    white girl anal sex free teen nude video

  • lemusgro

    free video sex gallery 2010/01/19 at 3:56 pm

    rubber doll sex video Contents will settle!

    free black porn vids sex positions and moves

  • Bree

    teen clothing online store 2010/01/19 at 4:03 pm

    huge fat girl porn And now you get to go back to the gym and do the same exact thing while your muscles are still paralyzed by pain. But don’t worry, that will actually make them feel BETTER. Welcome to Opposite Day. ๐Ÿ™‚

    amateur big dick porn You’ve gotten through the toughest part! The rest is cake. You can doo eet!

  • lhaven

    vanesse hudgens nude pics 2010/01/19 at 4:06 pm

    busty lesbian sex video This is why I read your website. Your writing is brilliant and it makes me laugh and cry harder than I knew I could. Thank you.

  • WanderingOne

    free outside porn videos 2010/01/19 at 4:11 pm

    high definition porn free Oh yes, I know these feelings well. And to think, once you’re not sore, if you do a different workout of similar intensity… You will be sore in ALL THOSE PLACES AGAIN. And you’ll think to yourself, “But I worked out! How can THIS BE SO SORE AGAIN!?!”

    free sex 18 years … As for this workout, though, I suggest a big glass of water (hydration helps lubricate the muscles and ease the pain) and more advil. You’re going to hurt in new places tomorrow.

  • ButtersandRoses

    jennifer connelly nude films 2010/01/19 at 4:15 pm

    hillary duff naked videos This is exactly how I felt after Bar Method last Thursday!

  • Jamie Bray

    mature swinger sex movies 2010/01/19 at 4:22 pm

    heather locklear porn movie I love you Dooce.

    punk girl porn movies Thank you for making me laugh so hard I cried. Excellent writing :).

  • Amy G

    sex with corpse video 2010/01/19 at 4:43 pm

    brande roderick naked video LMAO ๐Ÿ™‚

    video porno wulan guritno I had a personal trainer appointment back in ’07 that went pretty much exactly like that. I knew I wasn’t in peak form, but I totally thought I could ace the “let’s see where you’re at right now” test. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was dying within about 15 minutes. And I couldn’t walk, sit, lay down, bend over, lift anything or climb stairs for several days straight. It sucked. But it was HUGE motivation for me, and ultimately, my fitness level improved enormously. Stick with it, sister. You’ll be fine. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • brooke

    heather rene smith sex 2010/01/19 at 4:46 pm

    porn star work out the only problem with trying hard, is now this is the bench mark from where you start. if you only did 3 push ups, she would aim for 5 next time. aim low! (spoken from a true under achiever!)

  • Saint Tigerlily

    hannah montana cartoon sex 2010/01/19 at 4:55 pm

    adult cartoon porn video Delurking to share:

    elizabeth lawrence porn star When I had my first serious work-out session with my trainer prior to our wedding I found myself stuck on the toilet and unable to get up. To assist, I grabbed onto the towel rack next to the toilet and promptly (and impressively, I thought) pulled it straight out of the wall.

    home made sex net I then had to call out for my then fiance to come and help me. I still believe it was an important part of our Growing Together As A Couple and I have still never felt physical pain that is supposed to be good for you quite like what that evil trainer did to my thighs, ass, knees?, arms, chest, part under my ribs in the back, neck, shins and other muscles that I think popped into existence for the simple pleasure of torturing me only to vanish immediately upon accomplishing that mission.

    hardcore sex for mobile In other words: I feel you.

  • Katie Kat

    a dick in pussy 2010/01/19 at 4:55 pm

    free porn movies sites Okay, I’m tired from just READING your ordeal. And the fact that I had to actually REMEMBER my login name and password. Where’s the gin?

  • Miss Bits

    nude women fucking videos 2010/01/19 at 5:05 pm

    rosario dawson nude pictures My brother in law is a personal trainer. Not even as a full time job, but for fun. For fun I tell you! Still baffled. A prerequisite is the innate ability to make something brutal look easy. I think that trait has recently been mapped on the human genome.

  • JillyLly

    granny sex movie gallery 2010/01/19 at 5:50 pm

    porno gratis los mejores Ahh the joys of working out! I also had a similar experience just recently only instead of having a trainer, I thought it would be a good idea to try the hill mode on the tread mill. So there I am, running up and down ridiculously steep hills and when I’m done I thought to myself that it wasn’t so bad, but when I got off the treadmill I found that my legs had turned to rubber and refused to move by themselves. Awesome. Walking back to my apartment was a nightmare after that.

  • CharmCity

    lesbian mature sex videos 2010/01/19 at 6:08 pm

    naked women taking shower 1. When I broke my wrist, I was placed in a cast up to my elbow. The doctor also gave me some pain meds for the first week, since apparently a broken wrist hurts. The pain meds were in a child-proof bottle that I had no chance of opening with the cast on. Oh, the irony.

    penis into vagina sex 2. Right now my abs are screaming b/c I finally got back to the gym yesterday after way too long of a break, and pushed myself way too hard doing front and side crunches. Why did I push myself way to hard? To impress a girl who was watching me from a treadmill. I am a straight woman. This is totally illogical.

  • Soapourri

    university of houston sex 2010/01/19 at 6:10 pm

    sims 2 teen fashion This really did make me LOL! I can totally relate to the shaking muscles thing – I was afraid I was going to splat on the floor at the gym. But, hey, I just read some of the comments – “love that soreness”? “the pain is a welcome feeling”? WHATTTTT?

  • The Jessiest

    psp free porn videos 2010/01/19 at 6:37 pm

    40 nights of sex The BOSU ball! Yes! The first time my trainer put me on one of those I looked ridiculous, shaking all over the place because I couldn’t keep my balance. Insane.

  • CreatureofHabit

    list of teen stereotypes 2010/01/19 at 6:39 pm

    naked women have sex I need to be on this plan! My current approach to fitness is the atrophy approach (TM pending). It’s the approach where you do nothing and you because really soft. And pale. It’s not hard at all.

  • renaemcalister

    michelle trachtenberg nude photos 2010/01/19 at 6:49 pm

    huge cocks tiny pussy YAY for “getting in shape”, my second son is 10 months old and I told myself it is time to get with it already. I am also taking note of everything I eat and I’m using an app for iPhone called “lose it” that is great, has a ton of nutritional info on almost any food you can think of, AND, it is password protected. (So my 2 year old can’t randomly delete things and my husband can’t see how much I weigh) Did I mention it’s free too, cause those are the best kind ๐Ÿ™‚

  • mosaicmama

    vintage classic porn forum 2010/01/19 at 7:27 pm

    free philippine sex movies LMAO at yellow-flavored Blow Pop having a seizure.

  • barbara

    jamaican school girl sex 2010/01/19 at 7:28 pm

    real dolls sex toy Oh man, that was hilarious!
    I felt that way the day after my first yoga class. It hurt to drink a glass of water. Stick with it! I promise you’ll feel better!

  • inosint38

    live free sex show 2010/01/19 at 7:39 pm

    free japanese sex clips whenever I need a good laugh I can count on you Dooce..thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

  • svatura

    girls gone bad porn 2010/01/19 at 7:57 pm

    nude tiny little girls I have recently returned to the gym as well and I have to share the most motivating ‘mommy workout’ I have ever seen. I don’t even have kids and watch it everytime I should go to the gym but not sure I want to. free real sex clips

    lisa ann sex tube She is amazing!

christian couples having sex teen guy hair style 1 yin yang yo sex

dog sex video clips

Heather B. Armstrong

women athletes nude pics Hi. Iโ€™m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. Thatโ€™s how this shit works. Now? Wellโ€ฆ sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

free japanese porn site naked girl has sex

euro sex parties fathima jennifer nicole freeman nude Savemichelle williams nude pictures Save